The Akatsuki Daycare Squad
by Midas Izumi
Summary: Tsunade assigns Konoha 11 (including Sai) an A-rank mission: taking care of the Akatsuki members resurrected in toddler form. Disclaimer for all chapters: All Naruto characters (except OC) do not belong to me. They belong to Kishimoto-san!
1. Day Zero: Mission Briefing

**...**

 **A/N:** Izumi here! I have decided to give this what-if scenario a shot. First two (or three) chapter treatment. Tell me what you think!

* * *

 **Chapter One (Day Zero): Mission Briefing...**

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" Shikamaru exclaimed.

Every ninja in the room could not believe their ears. It was something you'd expect from the careless, impulsive types like Naruto and Kiba yet it was the smartest and possibly most level-headed ninja of those in the room had uttered those words. It was far from his usual resignation of "How troublesome." This was wrought with bitterness and disbelief. His reaction to the Hokage's proposition had rendered the entire room tense with shock.

"Shikamaru-" In attempted to comfort her teammate by touching his shoulder when Chouji stopped him "Ino. Don't," followed by the Akimichi shaking his head.

"Hokage-sama," The Nara said through gritted teeth "You know what those bastards did to Asuma-sensei right? B-but you want us to take care of those-" The godaime had sensed profanity and interrupted him "I know what I'm asking you is tough...unfair, even. But we have no choice. They are no ordinary children. They are, were, the Akatsuki!"

Naruto scratched his head, unable to wrap it around the situation at hand "Tsunade baa-chan, we killed those bastards already, right? I even hit that Kaku-something guy with my Rasenshuriken 'ttebayo!" Neji, the pale-eyed Jounin, uncrossed his arms as he joined the fray "You said Naruto's technique damaged the entirety of his enemy's chakra cirulatory system. So how was he able to survive the technique?"

"And I've disposed of that Hidan in the depths of our clan's forest. He shouldn't have been found!" Shikamaru added. The Hokage nodded as if considering the points before she replied "Yes, they were killed. To be more accurate, their bodies were decimated. However, their souls had survived and took over the nearest bodies that they could find."

Sakura was reluctant but she inquired "A-ano, Tsunade-shishou, did they all just happened to latch onto children?" This question brought a heavy frown to settle upon the godaime's face. She leaned across her seat and clasped her hands together "I'm afraid not. Our analysis had recently found out that the souls specifically targeted helpless beings. Toddlers, to be exact. Unlike ninja who are trained to control their chakra, these children who are so young do not even know how to use it. They cannot repel the invasion of another soul to their body and are therefore taken over."

The Yamanaka was filled with concern "Tsunade-shishou, d-does it mean that the toddlers are -" The Hokage breathed a deep sigh before adjoining her conclusion "Yes. The children are technically dead. Their...their souls were forcefully evicted from their bodies so whatever jutsu was used here can no longer be reversed. The body with another soul can survive, but the soul without a body cannot." This revelation caused the room to shatter - yet again.

"How cruel." The other Hyuuga remarked, her right thumb and forefinger next to her lips. "This is just not fair! Those children didn't even do anything! Why did they deserve to...to be the ones..." Kiba growled with indignance. Shino had to step in "The children just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. We can neither rewrite the past nor undo what's already been done. Our best course of action is to move forward."

The room was hushed for a moment until Shikamaru, though bitterly, had willed himself to speak "So what happens now?" The Hokage's amber eyes scanned everyone she had summoned in her office. Then, she answered "I'm putting them under your care."

The room was pulverized into ash at this point. Even the normally unfazed Shino had nothing to say. The others, if they hadn't gaped at the godaime, had physically stumbled backwards. Despite this Tsunade pressed on, not losing the adamance in her voice, "Until we have throughly analyzed the forbidden technique and figured out a way to permanently deal with the Akatsuki, you will be the ones to take care of them." The frown deepened as she continued "The kids are weaponless and harmless so we're certain that they won't pose danger to you. You won't also need to go out of the village. However, due to their identities and the fact that this is a significant matter of the state, this mission is classified as A-rank."

"A-a-A rank...babysitting?" Tenten whispered in disbelief. Meanwhile, Tsunade tapped the papers against the table to align with each other "You can put it that way. Though none of them are newborns." She sets the papers down "I am not a monster. I know some of you hold grudges with the Akatsuki for wronging you and the ones you loved in one way or another. I acknowledge that very much. In fact, I'm not forcing you to do anything. Anyone can refuse this mission right now."

The ninjas exchanged meaningful glances with one another. Before they can respond, the blonde continued "However, I can only limit it to the first six who will raise their hand to be excused. We currently have six toddlers in custody, and the original plan is to divide them amongst the twelve of you including Sai." The ninjas glanced at the back of the room to the pale man who flashed a fake smile "Hello. Nice to meet you all." Once their gaze returned to the godaime she continued " But know this, the original plan and the best scenario is to group the dozen of you into pairs and to assign a child onto each pair. If anyone backs out, the remaining members will have to compensate. The six who are to remain by default will still be paired with each other. But then, the children assigned to them will become two."

Give it to Naruto to yell out the obvious "Like hell I will backdown! That is not my ninja way! I don't care if the mission is hard or ridiculous, 'ttebayo! I will never abandon my comrades especially when they need me!" Before, almost everyone had been eager to raise their hands but now they remained. Shikamaru broke the ensuing silence with an exasperated chuckle "How...troublesome." The hokage was mildly surprised but mostly amused. Despite being put in a situation they have an opportunity to avoid, no one dared to do so, not even the reformed Root Anbu next to the door. _This is the power of Naruto's idealism._

"Since I see no hands, I assume that the twelve of you have all signed up for this mission." Tsunade heard nervous gulps from every corner of the room. She cracked a smile "Alright then. Let me divide you into your pairs." She shuffled the ninja profiles within her hands. When she was interrupted by Sakura raising her hand. The godaime raised her eyebrow "Yes, Sakura. Are you going to refuse?" She shook her head "I-it's not that. I was just wondering...why did it have to be the twelve of us, Tsunade-sama?" Her shishou regarded her quietly before answering "I have two reasons. First is skill. I cannot really spare the majority of my jounin on babysitting duties. I can't just leave it to genin either because even if the Akatsuki are helpless little runts as of now we will never know how they'll turn out in time."

Confused stares had emanated in the office. Naruto is a genin while Neji is already jounin. Did the Hokage forget their rankings? As if reading their minds the godaime added "Second is familiarity. I'm surprised that a majority of you had already encountered the Akatsuki. You, out of all the shinobi, should be most acquainted with not only their capabilities but also their personalities. Still, the information from the bingo book will be forwarded to your apartments as reference."

"Apartments?" Neji quietly muttered. Still, it did not escape the Hokage's ears "Yes. To watch over the children and to keep the public safe, we have decided to move you into apartments. But most of that could be discussed later. Now, nobody interrupt me. I'll announce the pairings."

"Inuzuka Kiba. Yamanaka Ino." The two glimpsed at each other with disgust. _Of all the pairs it had to be the one that smelled like an animal all the time_ , Ino thought. At least it's better than bugs. Kiba wrinkled his nose. While Ino does look and smell good, he's pretty sure that he wouldn't be able to stand her stuck-upness.

"Tenten and Chouji." They pretty much reacted the same, except Chouji was more lighthearted, hoping that Tenten knows how to cook. Tenten, meanwhile, wonders if Chouji would be as hyper as Lee. At least she won't be forced to exercise all the time.

"Nara Shikamaru. Rock Lee." The two were surprised as they were both male. However, Shikamaru quietly let it pass while Lee, with fire in his eyes, promised "You can count on us, Tsunade Hokage-sama! We will do our utmost best to protect and nurture this child whom you shall entrust to us!" Which made Tenten slap her forehead.

The Hokage sighed and proceeded with the division. "Aburame Shino. Sai." Both were indiscernible in reaction so she quickly moved forward when she was interrupted by a blushing Naruto "Ah, ano-sa, ano-sa, Tsunade baa-chan." A vein appeared on Tsunade's forehead "What? Didn't I tell you not to interrupt me?" Naruto's face was small with shyness and he fidgeted with his index fingers "W-will I be paired with...Sakura-chan?"

" _Like_ hell _I will be paired with you!_ " Sakura's inner voice exploded. Fortunately, the Hokage was stern in her reply "Unfortunately, no. Sakura needs to focus being a parent to one child, not two." Naruto was about to protest when he was cancelled by her swift announcement "Uzumaki Naruto and Hyuuga Hinata." The pale-eyed woman was red as smoldering iron. Her inner self was throttled into full-panic mode. " _I-I'm g-going t-to raise a-a ch-child...with N-Naruto-_ kun _! W-we're g-going t-to stay i-in one h-_ ho-o _-house. Don't faint! D-don't faint!_ " She timidly slapped her cheeks.

"So that leaves us with Haruno Sakura and Hyuuga Neji." The Hokage finally concluded. The other Byakugan-wielder was not satisfied. "Hokage-sama. As a branch family member, it's my responsibility to look over Hinata-sama-"

"Which is precisely why I didn't group you two together. You won't be able to concentrate on the child assigned to you if you're constantly hovering next to Hinata." The Hokage cut him off. He gritted his teeth. "Don't worry, I've talked to Hiashi-san over this and we made a compromise. Your apartments will not be too far from each other. Please use the Byakugan with discretion." Hinata then moved to assure him "It's alright, Neji nii-san. Naruto-kun and I can take care of ourselves. Please concentrate on the mission at hand." Neji sighed in resignation "Please always take care, Hinata-sama."

Envelopes were distributed to them by Shizune, who so far tried to stay out of interrupting the briefing. As soon as they've received their respective envelopes Tsunade rose from her chair and headed towards the door "Alright then, follow me."


	2. Day Zero: Brat Viewing

**Chapter Two (Day Zero): ...Brat Viewing**

At the underground complex of the office was a series of interrogation rooms. The largest one had been transformed into a padded and matted nursery to contain them. Even from a distance, all sorts of mewling, shushing and crashing noises were heard. The twelve huddled next to the viewing window and they were met with an eyeful of six children and the stressed ANBU to whom they were assigned.

The blond one whose hair is gathered into a high ponytail ran kept hurling plastic toys at his caregiver and yelling "Katsu!" Another hyperactive one was the blue-skinned toddler with small gills atop his cheeks as he was on his stomach crawling, chasing the adults' ankles as if he were a sea shark. The rag-doll looking boy, due to several stitches attaching his limbs, tried getting out of his ANBU caregiver's grasp to reach for his wallet at the back pocket. His lilac haired partner was being prevented by another ANBU to reach the bloody ankle of another caregiver, squirming as it yelled "Leh guh ov me yuh piz av'sha!" The remaining two in the corner were curiously silent in their confusing game of tag. The redhead was trying to get a hug from the Uchiha, while the black-haired boy with prominent lines on his face kept retreating, tapping the other boy's forehead. The redhead would stagger backwards, before getting up to resume his attempt.

The kunoichi are all fixated on their cuteness, while the males stared in awkwardness, trying to decipher how those brats were once the scariest shinobi alive and that some of them had even died in their hands but now they have to be a father to them.

"In the envelope is the file of the children I've assigned to you, the written accounts of most of what we know about their past lives and your apartment key. I expect you to pack the stuff you'll need and move in the apartment this afternoon. Then you'll take your kid home before nightfall." It took all effort to not drop their jaws. Everything was so sudden. Moreover, the pair they were assigned to are members they are not used to teaming up with, as if the Hokage was careful not to select close friends for some reason. "Shizune will be around to assist you." Were her final words before turned around and left.

Once the click of her heels had faded, the twelve formed a circle. Shikamaru requested "Let's open our envelopes together, shall we?" The others complied with a nod and removed the seal from their envelopes, slowly unsheathing the frontmost paper from the given stack. The names and the pictures greeted them.

"Deidara...huh? He looks...cute." Sai said. It's no secret that he does have a thing for blonds wearing a high ponytail. The next one to react was Kiba "Oh man, I hate the smell of fish!" Ino was equally disgusted. Of all the available toddler she had to deal with the most nonhuman-looking one. Why couldn't I have that handsome blackhaired child instead?

"Hmm this Kakuzu looks really sneaky, like he'd steal all our food.." Hummed Chouji. Tenten was a bit grossed out at his ragdoll-like appearance. " I can't see his face. Does our kid even need to eat?" Sakura dropped a sweat as she glimpsed at the familiar red hair "W-we're definitely getting Sasori." Although, she reasoned in her mind, the kid looked harmless and naive, and really craving companionship. She felt pity for the child who kept falling onto his rear at the touch of Itachi. She remembered her friend Chiyo baa-sama, who was this kid's supposed grandmother until they battled each other to the death.

Shikamaru was silently praying it wasn't his worst enemy...but it was. He almost dropped the paper in fury. Lee's fast reflex enabled him to catch it. "Are you alright,  
Shikamaru-kun?" He gritted his teeth and glowered into the one-way viewing window "Just what the heck are you planning, Hokage-sama?!"

Naruto did not meet his with fury. He was pensive. "So Sasuke had killed you, huh?" He could hardly believe it. Hinata was next to him, indiscernible. Sakura gazed at him from the other side, somewhat sympathetic, but she shook her head, indicating to him that she thinks their beloved comrade would not be back soon. He forced a grin on his face "I can only imagine how he'll react at seeing you...so...small, dattebayo."

Neji cleared his throat "The godaime is only giving us until this afternoon to prepare. I suggest we leave now so we can return on time to pick up our respective children."  
"Hang on. A lot had to be prepared in the house. We can't all just leave! What if none of us will pick up our kid?" Ino intervened. Shikamaru sighed and showed the address from his file "This is probably the address to our apartments. Do you guys live nearby?"

They pooled together their information "I think it's just the same building...like a compound or...complex. " Sakura observed. "Then it's best for us to assign amongst ourselves who gets to set up the house and who gets to pick up the kids." Shino added. The others agreed. But they were interrupted by Shikamaru's smirk. "Hang on,  
I've got a better idea."

* * *

"This is not fair dattebayo!"

Naruto finds himself, a shadow clone, amongst his six other divided selves within the interrogation booth, chasing around six former mercenary nin-turned-children. Each of his shadow clone suffered the same fate of the ANBU helpers who, despite their porcelain masks, were obviously grateful and relieved as they left.

"Ouch! I said stop it! 'ttebayo!" the clone shouted when a stuffed toy hit him square in the face "Katsu!" the blonde little thing squeaked.

"Don't you dare I will kick your mouth, 'tteba-ouch! Ite!" The sharky toddler's triangular incisors latched onto his feet.

"Get away. You're annoying!" Kakuzu hurled a coin at Hidan, who's two front teeth was missing, shrieking "Shuh up stup'd assho! This gah's mine!" They climbed up, down and around one of the Naruto bunshin.

"What are you doing? Ow!" a young Itachi was perched atop the final clone's head, pinching his cheeks. When the clone stopped retreating, the waddling Sasori had finally caught up and hugged his leg, almost cooing in comfort. "It hurts! Teme..." Naruto growled. Itachi may have pinched too hard and the bunshin disappeared into a puff of smoke. The raven-haired boy never lost his ability as he landed upright, like a cat, onto the ground whereas Sasori plopped on his face. Itachi helped Sasori get up and when he did, the redhead began to cry. The other toddler, wise beyond his years, sat beside his friend and tried to dry his tears with his tiny fingers while at the same time deflecting the toys Deidara was throwing.

"Shizune-san rescue me, dattebayo!" the clone nearest to the observation window groaned. He was met with a polite and equally guilty refusal.

Down to five bunshin the other clone just sank at the corner, glad that no kid's charging at him yet. However Kisame's bunshin disappeared as well, after having his feet almost gnawed off. The clone sighed, having to replace the lost one. The disappeared kage bunshin delivered information (and discomfort) to Naruto, who's having a late lunch with the twelve, who still can't believe that they're under such circumstance.

* * *

The sky was orange when they've chosen to return. Half of them. The other half were already in the apartment, preparing dinner. The ones present to pick them up are Neji, Naruto, Kiba, Chouji, Shikamaru and Shino. Of the six, the jinchuuriki was the one who's distinctly tired. He had been receiving the fatigue of his shadow clones all afternoon and just as they'd arrive they're down to the last shadow clone, who had just caught Deidara and was about to bind him like the toddlers Kisame, Hidan and Kakuzu. Meanwhile, Itachi and Sasori were sleeping beside each other, using the splayed story books as their blanket. Seeing them in such a state had made it even harder for them to think that these brats were once their fearsome enemies.

"Oh, finally you guys are here!" Shizune greeted them while holding Tonton. Naruto's eyes were drooping when he quipped "I should be the one saying that." Shizune typed the password to unlock the door. The last clone, panting, dropped to his ass and disappeared in a poof.

Bound and gagged Deidara fell onto his side and began rolling back and forth. Sai avoided stepping on him, dancing back and forth, before he cautiously picked him up. He released a bird from his scroll, which pecked the blond from the ground, secured him in its beak and flew out of the door.

Hidan and Kakuzu, which were hung on the walls each with a kunai, just swung and exchanged angry stares at each other. "I'm sorry if I squeeze too hard." An oversized and overstretched hand grabbed Kakuzu from the wall whereas a shadow dislodged Hidan and carried him by the diaper amidst the ropes. The hotheaded ex-immortal brat never shuts up and hollers insults at the shadow-user through the gag "This is really, really troublesome." He shoved his hands on his pockets.

Kisame was on his side, trying to bite through his gag. "Don't drop him Akamaru or else Ino will scold us for sure." Kiba said as he pats the soft fur of his grown pup. Akamaru bit the gag slung over the back of his head and carried him like a lion does to a cub.

With Naruto's touch the wary but silent Itachi was roused. He scrutinized Naruto, who flashed him a kind warm smile and proceeded to carry him onto his arms. The child didn't put up much of a fight, even piggybacking on him as they left.

The last one in the room was Neji, who activated his Byakugan just to make sure that the kid was truly healthy. He marveled at the purity of the chakra system but promptly knelt over to pick him up. The moment the toddler felt another skin upon his he lurched forward, even with his eyes closed, and quickly clung to Neji's neck. The latter attempted to gently tug him but he had wrapped his arms like a chain, even fisting some of the silky chestnut strands close to the jounin's scalp. How could something this affectionate and charming even be a part of Akatsuki? Shizune flashed a pleased smile. "He's yours now." She said. He glanced again at the boy, asleep again, breath hitting the crook of his neck. Neji returned an awkward grin. "I wonder about about Sakura-san."

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 **A/N:** In case the pairings are not clear (NarutoxHinata,Itachi), (SakuraxNeji,Sasori), (InoxKiba,Kisame), (ShikamaruxLee,Hidan), (SaixShino,Deidara) & (TentenxChouji,Kakuzu)


	3. Night One: Living Conditions Pt1

**...**

 **A/N:** I'm back! And I haven't updated this story in almost two weeks! To make it up to you, I wrote a lengthy chapter three (relatively, to my estimate, gahaha)  
Just the pairs adjusting to some marital situations...also a writing challenge to myself after guzzling half a bottle of wine. I'm not an alcoholic. I swear haha

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 **Chapter Three (Night One): Living Conditions Pt. 1**

 **...**

Passing by the great lake of with a wooden dock stood their apartment complex. It used to be the Uchiha District, but after the grueling massacre and the departure of the sole survivor the piece of land hand been put into good use and revamped as the Tamaya District. The quad-building's exterior was like a pearl against the late afternoon sun. Four towers, each of fifteen storeys, are connected by a series of bridges leading onto the building adjacent or across them. The series of apartment complexes was the sandaime Hokage's new solution to the growing population of massacre that occured within this piece of land was but a long-gone repressed memory in the psyche of the villagers and shinobi.

At the office, Shizune wondered why Tsunade would place them in such an area. "Ano, Tsunade-sama. Why would you place their assignment in the Tamaya District? That place is too familiar. Wouldn't it remind Naruto and Sakura of Sasuke?" Busy reading reports, the Hokage did not look at her as she answered "It's the least occupied district in terms of population. In case the remaining Akatsuki members try to retrieve them or the reincarnated members themselves cause trouble, we can more easily contain the situation in that area." True enough, it was common knowledge within their village that the Uchiha land is cursed. So instead they built the complex, cheapened the rent and now most of those who live there are immigrants looking for cheap rent and the occasional outcasts of neighboring shinobi and non-shinobi villages. "It's not exactly a kid-friendly neighborhood, I know. But then those runts are not exactly kids," Tsunade continued "And as long as we are still in the dark regarding this forbidden technique used, I can't have them mingling with our citizens just yet."

Shizune pondered this and asked "I really don't know. I've watched them earlier. They seemed so normal...nobody would have guessed they were Akatsuki." The pig squeaked in her arms. "They are still Akatsuki," the blonde corrected "It would be best to keep that in mind. Granted, they're cuter and less lethal...it doesn't mean we can let our guard down." The assistant couldn't help but agree and wonder what kind of mother she would've been. Perhaps strict? Uncle Dan, if he were alive, would have been at wit's end just to pacify someone like her. She traced the dust gathering at the edge of the office's window "There's one more thing bothering me, Tsunade-sama."

"Go on, Shizune." the godaime encouraged as she signed the first file.

Shizune doesn't really know how to explain it without implying anything "I was part of the team who inspected the apartment complexes and...well...there was something about the-"

 **...**

 _Bed._

Shino. Lee. Tenten. Hinata. Ino. Sakura. The remaining six who chose to head straight for the complex were greeted with the sight of a two-bedroom apartment - with specific sleeping furniture. The smaller room was obviously dedicated to the sleeping toddlers. One could have only guessed that it was so by the looks of the bed available. It was far too small to comfortably fit a human being of their size. Other than that it was plain, save for the barest essentials: a window, a low table with chair and a small cabinet without clothing. Almost everyone felt bad that their kids had to sleep at such an environment so they planned to decorate.

They were about to unpack their stuff in the master bedroom when they realized that the bed in it was not divided into two singles but rather merged into a queen-sized whole. It was easy anyway. When their partners had arrived they'll just decide who gets to sleep on the couch...there was no couch.

Tenten's face could not be even more disgusted as she imagines her mission partner a.) destroying the supporting feet of the bed with his weight; b.) breaking the bed in half with his weight; c.) shoving her to the floor with his width or; d.) effectively flatten her like a steamroller the moment he turns in his sleep.

"C-calm down. H-hinata! Snap out of i-it!" She slapped her cheeks to avoid thinking of her walking in on Naruto-kun, whose sleepwear consists of a very flimsy orange yukata that exposes his thighs and the middle of his chest. Naruto-kun was pensively staring at the window, moonlight basking in the glory of the silk clinging to the sculpt of his body. He turned to Hinata, his eyes half-lidded "There's my wife." He spoke, spurring a languid smirk on his face that made the color of Hinata's face send tomatoes to shame. "I've been waiting..." His voice was so deep, relaxed, and smooth as caramel sauce being poured. He pat the vacant half of the bed and hummed "Won't you come warm my bed, Hinata-chan?" Back in reality Hinata sniffled away her nosebleed and ran to the opposite corner of the house in embarrassment. Still fragments of her imagination followed her with Naruto whispering in haste "Oh where are you going Mrs. Uzumaki?"

Ino, like her daily outfits, was purple in the face. "I'd be sleeping beside that...Inuzuka?!" She imagined. For a girl who grew up tending flowers beauty and scent really, really matters. "Good thing I came prepared!" Thus, the all-natural parabens free hypoallergenic Yamanaka bath essentials, including a fist-sized bleach-slash-anti-flea soap for Akamaru and a can of lavender aerosol. Since she couldn't find anything that literally helps a human-fish hybrid smell like less of a sashimi she settled for a citrus shower gel and a cucumber-scented loofah. From experience it best rids of the funk underneath her nails whenever she prepares fish. "Damn, Sakura will kill me." She mentally berated herself, remembering billboard forehead had told her that sharks were mammals.

Sakura only packed the bare essentials, such as a pair of clothes that she can use for a week and launder over the weekends, her books, medicine, weapons and hygiene kit. The pink-haired kunoichi was nervous for she had never lived with Neji-san before. Come to think of it, she had never even lived with a guy! She was an only child and her parents had always kept her independent,  
respected her privacy. And now, she was faced with a queen-sized bed. There was a sense of satisfaction thinking that the rest, especially Ino-pig, would mentally if not physically freak out at the sight of such living condition which includes the missing couch. But no, not Sakura. "Hmm," she mused with a hand on her waist "Knowing Neji-san, he'll probably insist on lying on the floor." She should have reminded him to bring his futon since the blankets and mattresses were somehow just enough to bottleneck them into the option of sleeping with-err-beside each other. She shook her head, sighed and headed to the kitchen "Mataku, Tsunade-sama..."

And upon witnessing the present left on top of the counter "MATAKU, TSUNADE-SAMAAAA!"

 **...**

Tsunade set her pen down and began cackling. "AHAHAHAHAHA!" She wiped the tears on her eyes while Shizune seemed constipated from her antic "Tsunade-sama! What was that arrangement for anyway?" She came down from her laughing fit and replied "Remember the time I got so pissed off at the news of those Akatsuki brats being rounded up by out ANBU?" Shizune nodded. The pig squelched. "Yes. You went out to get sake. I couldn't stop you." Tsunade sheepishly grinned "Well, you know what I'm like when I'm...intoxicated." Shizune rolled her eyes at this and said "You were slurring. You could barely keep your spit in your mouth and you hurled at the sidewalk on the way back! I had to drag you here!" Tsunade looked sideways, trying to remember if that really happened. She shrugged "Anyway, what I remember was waking up on my desk, having a pounding hangover and thinking what the hell I'm going to do with them." She pushed back on her chair, lifted up her feet and rubbed one of her toes. Shizune gaped, horrified at her sudden lack of manners. "Can you imagine how bad it felt when I had to sort through files and files of registered ninja while at the same time try to think of the best way to handle such a problem through a horrible migraine?"

"Nobody told you to drink yourself to a blackout and now you blame everyone for your headache." Shizune mumbled. This earned a scowl from Tsunade "And where was my faithful assistant...offering dango to Kakashi?" The woman became flustered at the mention of the silver-haired jounin. "Tsunade-sama! You're getting off the point. You have to tell me why! The main question was why did you make such arrangements in the first place!" Tsunade took off her foot from the table and leaned onto the table instead, feigning sleepiness. "I was just curious."

For Shizune, this is just getting more and more convoluted "What exactly do you mean?" The Hokage sighed "They say that raising children, regardless if they were former murderers, pillagers and terrorists, bring people together. I wanted to test that theory. How true it is." Shizune's mouth dropped again "W-w-what?! That's the reason for making everyone in this mission suffer?!" she exclaimed, each word uttered in disbelief. The Fifth scowled at her again "I'm not making them suffer. They're not gonna do what they don't want to do." She bent to the side, opened the topmost drawer and pulled out the folder for the mission "Besides, to test my theory I was careful to partner up those who have rarely been partnered with each other before." She shuffled the ninja registration IDs and the profiles.

"For example, Ino and Kiba. Despite being chuunin, I have never seen a stain or a crinkle on the Yamanaka's shirt before. And her fingernails are always neatly filed and clear-polished. A pimple would freak her out. Kiba however, spent his chicken pox days rolling in the mud with his dog. Even when he was genin and he was just helping oldies with their groceries he'd come to the office looking like he was a fugitive running for his life. He doesn't really mind showering for days and one time I even caught him catching fleas from his hair and eating them." Shizune had to admit that was pretty disgusting. "I wonder how they'll handle their newfound marital life."

 **...**

Not well, of course.

The sound of barking announced their arrival and there was a loud pounding on the apartment door. Ino gasped as her spoon fell into the broth she was cooking. With a vein bulging in her forehead she opened the door. "Am I under arrest for something?" she sarcastically asked as only the police would rap that hard on anyone's door. Kiba was only puzzled as he raised an eyebrow "Huh?" he looked behind if there was the police but Ino just sighed "Come inside." Akamaru pranced into the cramped space and set down a flopping Kisame, who was literally like a fish-out-of water. "Where's the couch?" he asked. "I don't know. Tsunade-sama must have forgotten have it delivered. I'll talk to the store tomorrow." He shrugged. Kiba made his dog sit in front of the living room and turned on the TV as he nuzzles its fur. Ino frowned, the musky smell of outdoor grass and mud had overpowered her cooking. "I don't really know what sharks eat but I'm just steaming a couple of tuna to be on the safe side." Kiba sniffed the air and eagerly went to the kitchen to check the contents "Mmm...smells really nice. I hope it tastes great too."

Vein popped again "What are you implying?" Kiba seemed oblivious as he replaced the lid on the pot "Nothing. I never pegged you as someone who can cook. You seem...like you'd never touch fish." Vein bulging even further. "What does that mean?" She smiled. Still not looking at her, he answered "Well...you just seem more interested in painting your nails. I never dreamed of you actually dicing and chopping...vegetables? Ew! I hate vegetables." Teeth gritting now "What are you, six?" She was going to grab Kiba to turn him around and smack his face when toddler Kisame flopped harded next to them until he convulsed to a stop. Ino gaped in horror "Ahh! Kiba! Kiba! Look what happened to him!" Kiba winced and stuck a finger to his ear "I'm right next to you! Stop shrieking!" He crouched down and sniffed the toddler. He poked it. It was too rigid...and dry. He scooped up the toddler. "Ino open the bathroom lights!"

When they got to the bathroom he dumped the unconscious blue boy on the small bathtub, whom they suspect is bluer from the lack of oxygen. Kiba worked out the gag in haste, accidentally breaking one of his sharp canine-like nails. He winced in pain but kept going. Water slowly surrounded him and when it filled nearly to the brim the boy, rigid as stone underneath, began wiggling. The gills on his cheek reverberated with life and he began to swim. Around and around the bath tub. The Inuzuka sighed and sank to his butt, next to the Hoshigaki whose complexion has returned to its natural shade of powder blue. Ino returned to the bathroom with a file in hand. Kiba glanced at the toddler "He's fine now. He needs to be wet every once in a while." Ino crouched next to him and lifted his hand with the damaged nails and began filing them. Maybe she's not so stuckup after all. Kiba felt awkward and grumbled a low "Thanks." Ino nodded, fibbing him "Yeah. This doesn't mean I can stand your stench. Do me a solid and jump into that tub too, will you? You smell like dog piss!" And just like that, Kiba is back to his thoughts. Jeez _what a clean freak._

 **...**

Tsunade took the second pair of files "Then we have Sai and Shino. They're both good at keeping their emotions to themselves, if they have them at all."

"Tsunade-sama!" Shizune protested. The godaime merely chuckled "And I stuck them with the most dramatic brat of all. The moment I saw that Deidara I knew he was drama on a stick. Have you seen that guy's hair? It's too yellow! Plus he was the noisiest of them all. That brat threw beads at my face!" She huffed before continuing "Sai is the artist among the twelve. He'll handle him well."

"What about Shino?"

"To be honest, I almost forgot about Shino. These two were the last people I've paired."

"Tsunade-sama!"

The Hokage scratched her head "Shino is very...meh. He doesn't stick out in either a bad or a good way. He's usually great to tag along with...aha! That's why I paired him with that flamboyant runt!" Shizune just shook her head. Her shishou is making up reasons on the fly yet again.

 **...**

Sai was the first among the six to reach the apartment complex "0805 Bldg. C, Tamaya District, Konohagakure." He read from his scroll. He almost staggered as the bird jerked to the side. Apparently his toddler was violently squirming within its beak and managed to somehow loosen the gag on his mouth"Oy! Let me out,hm! Where we goin? I can't see a thing! Hm. Help! I'm being kidnapped, hm. Help!" Sai motioned his ink summon to open its beak. He peeked at Deidara being crushed beneath the palate. The S-Class criminal gawked at him and screamed "Let me out ngngghhgh!" The child was chewing through his summon! With one swift movement Sai opened his scroll and drew. The bird was slowly spiralling into a deathly descent. They'll crash onto the building within seconds! As the bird was plummeting and slowly disintigrating into ink Sai summoned a four-armed one-eyed giant which grabbed the two of them on each hand, scaled the storeys with the other pair and punched the door open. The entire spectacle, and the fist coming towards him didn't even rattle the Aburame, who adjusted his glasses as the gigantic fist just stopped inches from his face. He didn't even blink (or how could one see in the first place?) when the blond brat popped from between the fingers of the fist in front of him "That. Was. AAAAARRRTTT! Hm!" He squeaked. Deidara was slightly dizzied as he struggled to crawl out. The giant disintigrated into ink which evaporated in an instant.  
Sai finally reached the door, panting, the slightest hint of annoyance strewn across his face. This was immediately replaced with a fake smile "We almost fell to our deaths. You murderous brat." Shino looked at the child who defiantly gazed up at him "Who're you, hm?"

The Aburame robotically crouched on his knees and rigidly patted the top of his head. "I'm...your daddy." Naruto and Kiba would have lost their heads in laughter by now but this is Sai, who somehow walked straight despite his eyes being closed from a bunched up fake smile "And I'm your daddy too." Deidara pouted "No way! You wear girl clothes! You've got to be momma, hm." He pointed at his exposed midriff. "You're too pale too. I don't look like any of you, hm!"

"You know you'd be pale too if I remove all the blood from your body." Sai told him. Deidara was unaware of the implication "Wha's blood anyway?  
Is that what they did to you, hm?" Sai nodded, his expression unchanged, but as soon as he reached his hand to grab the blonde's shoulders Shino picked the boy up and said "I think we're all hungry. Let's go eat." He directed him to the kitchen nearby. Sai examined the plastic. It was all convenience store food. Some katsu, rice, soup, onigiri with special sweet filling and liters of water. "Sumimasen. I don't know how to cook." Sai nodded "It's fine. I'll do it from now on." The brat in his arms, at the sight of food, opened his mouth wide and pointed a finger at it. "The kid is hungry." Sai unpacked the largest onigiri from the set and almost shoved it to Deidara's mouth (without breaking that creepy fake smile) when Shino moved the child away from him "I see that you're mad at him. I advice you do not take it out on the kid. He is our mission. We do not kill the mission. Rather, we feed the mission."

Shino allowed the toddler to stand on the table "What do you want to eat, Deidei-chan?" Sai nicknamed him. The child ambled towards the food and tried to taste them by dipping his finger and licking them. "You have a pretty masterful tongue, Deidei-chan." Even Shino, only human, sweatdropped at the pale man's comment. Deidara sat. His stomach growled and he began to throw a tantrum.

 _UWAAAAAHHHHH!_

His arms flailed. He rolled left and right the table and slammed the edges of his fists and toes on the hard flat surface. "I'm so hungry hm!" Obviously, he doesn't like any of the food and refused to eat all of them. The two just stared at him, vexed. "Perhaps he wants milk?" Shino suggested. "According to the book, breast milk is most suitable for newborns." Sai said as he flipped the page.

"Where'd you get that?"

"It's in the kitchen knife drawer." Sai answered. Shino decided that his partner is really intent on murdering the kid. "What does it say about what he wants?"

"He's three. So that means that he is able to chew and digest solid food. Deidei-chan is just a picky eater." He glanced at Shino who stuffed the kid under his high-collared hoodie. "A-ano, Shino-kun. What are you doing?"

"My beetles seem to like the taste of my chakra. Maybe he will too." Judging by the brat's violent squirming and wailing, he definitely would not.

 **...**

"I admit. I was pretty mean to Shikamaru. I assigned him the person who killed his sensei Asuma." Tsunade mused as she arrived at the picture of the Nara. Shizune sighed "Yes. That was questionable, Tsunade-sama. What if he gets overwhelmed by his hatred and harm the kid?" The Hokage closed her eyes and smiled "Shikamaru is too cerebral for that. But we have no choice. He knows Hidan more than anybody else. Besides, Rock Lee is there. Despite being overly...passionate about training...he's a pretty level-headed and polite person. Maybe it's not too late to teach that runt some good words?"

 **...**

"Leh muh dow' yah cockfah'!" The lilac-haired toddler shouted. _Did he just call me_ cockfart _?_ Cche! Shikamaru cruised the village with his shadow stretched upright next to him. He refused to hold the kid. He had a sneaking suspicion that the child will literally draw blood and curse him if he gave it a chance. He still had nightmares of what happened that day...and because of that little runt, he was without a sensei-a guide-and Kurenai-sensei is without a husband who will be a father to their child. This child could only rob people of their families. Now he had to live away from the Nara clan. The mission's duration is indefinite. It might last only days, weeks or years...he contemplated on jumping from the top of the Hokage monument if it had to go on for more than a month. For now, maybe the upside is that he won't wake up to the tip of her mother 's broom sweeping him out of his futon, calling him a lazy ass even though he made chuunin faster than all of his batchmates.

The villagers looked at them disapprovingly. Whispering something along the lines of " _Good heavens! That kid's mouth! Does the father even teach his child manners?" "Rude son, perhaps his father is like him." "Is that the kid's father or older brother?_ " Shikamaru could easily tune them out but the hushed whispers irked him as it reminded him of the runt in his hands (shadows) when all he wanted to do from the moment he saw the brat was to strangle him yet again until his eyeballs pop out of his sockets.  
Kami-sama, I need a smoke.

"Yah pineappah heh bastharh! Ah swarh ah weeh...ah weeh...AACHOO!" Hidan sneezed and rubbed his nose. It was succeeded by two smaller sneezes. Chouji, who was walking alongside his friend, suggested "Maybe you should cover him up Shikamaru. He's going to be sick at this rate." Shikamaru looked at him like he had never looked at him before. It was a glare. Still, the Akimichi was undettered and offered to drape his clean handkerchief around the boy's back. There was a long stretch of silence as they passed the old Uchiha lake. Chouji then spoke "Shika...as your bestfriend I know this is the hardest for you. But please, don't forget the mission." He was about to pat his friend's shoulder when he deflected his arm and said "You don't know anything! He played with him before he killed him! I watched Asuma-sensei die with my own eyes!" Whoa, since when did he become angsty like Sasuke? He thought. He shook his head and walked faster, dragging the kid and loosening the handkerchief over him. As the cloth fell to the ground Hidan began to shiver. Chouji did his best to keep up and restore the cloth onto the child. He realized that this was probably how Sasuke felt. When revenge was at your fingertips but you were defeated by circumstance: the Uchiha brothers due to their magnanimous difference in skill, and him due to the bastard's supposed innocence. _Damn the ethics of it all!_

"If there's anything you need, we'll just be one floor up." Chouji said as he waved goodbye for the night. Shikamaru had been on autopilot for so long that he didn't know he had reached his front door. Lee sensed him somehow and opened the door for him Greeting him "Good evening Shikamaru-kun." His jaw crashed to the floor. The dude was wearing a frilly pink apron on top of his skintight green spandex, this particular spandex stopping above his knees and elbows. "Ah..." The Nara was at a loss for words. "I have prepared a splendid meal for us. It shall quench our youthful spirit and fill it with the fullness of youth!" Shikamaru sighed and dumped Hidan onto his arms. Lee noticed Hidan was having the sniffles. He tried to wipe the snot off his notes when the child had straight up bitten his finger. Lee winced but controlled himself. The kid was smiling slyly, letting the blood dribble down his chin. Lee tried to yank him away but he latched onto it like a pitbull onto a target. "Hi-Hidan-san!" Seeing no choice, he decided to open the First of the Eight Inner Gates.

 _WOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!_ Lee screamed

 _GAAARRRRRRGGHGHGHGHGG!_ Growled the equally tenacious Hidan, refusing to be shaken out of his trap.

 _WOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!_ Lee pushed even harder.

 _It's even too troublesome to say 'how troublesome'_. Shikamaru popped a piece of beef into his mouth. Chouji and Tenten's dinner went pretty well. The Akimichi bonded over food and the rife knowledge of the Akimichi clan in medical herbs and ninjutsu. It had been a frustration of Tenten as she was definitely pegged more of a fighter than a healer. Meanwhile, she offered her expertise on the function of ninja tools to expand the lethality of the other's expansion and rolling techniques.

 **...**

Upon gazing at the next set of IDs, Tsunade couldn't help but giggle. This intrigued Shizune who bent over in order to be able to peer closer. She narrowed her eyes. _What was so funny with Sakura and Neji?_ She glanced at her shishou, who seemed to have read the question from her face and spoke "I'm betting on these two." The other woman felt like she was gut-punched. This didn't seem good. "W-what do you mean by that, Tsunade-sama?"

The blonde slammed the IDs on the table. It was loud, but not forceful enough to break the table. _Thank you, Kami-_ sama _!_ The amount of paperwork just to repair or replace a relic furniture such as the Hokage's desk would be a headache she'd rather not experience. Still, the Hokage was irritated, her eyebrows twitching at the memories " DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA JUST HOW MUCH THAT IDIOT APPRENTICE OF MINE MOAN THAT UCHIHA'S NAME IN EVERY SESSION?!"

Tsunade recounted the first days, when she hardly knew the pink-haired kunoichi. She was the only remaining genin of Kakashi's Team 7 in Konoha and she had personally applied for apprenticeship under her. Her skills are subpar and mediocre at best but she had the intelligence and the chakra control, as the Hatake had reported, to study medical ninjutsu. More importantly, she was dedicated and a specialist. She was intrigued. Maybe the girl had something in her, despite not having a kekkei genkai, despite not hailing from a reputable clan of shinobi like her and...well pretty much everyone else except Tenten and Sai.

At first, Tsunade was determined to enhance her taijutsu with the aid of chakra. Like her, she could concentrate her chakra in one part of her body and release it, thus resulting to boulder-wrecking punches and ground-splitting stomps. It really required less refinement of chakra concentration in order to perfect. It's less complex and less tricky than medical ninjutsu which involves in just about anything, from cell regeneration to, although in extreme and forbidden cases, alteration of expression of DNA. It was step one. If she couldn't master taijutsu, she might as well not proceed to medical ninjutsu. It's like the difference between coarse-tuning and fine-tuning. HOWEVER...

 _"I want to be stronger for Sasuke-kun."_

 _"I wonder what Sasuke-kun is doing."_

 _"Sasuke-kun must be training hard."_

 _"He has a lot of chakra. Sasuke-kun."_

 _"Maybe if I found Tsunade-sama earlier, I could've saved Sasuke-kun...and Sasuke-kun doesn't have to rely on Orochimaru for power."_

 _"If Sasuke-kun could see me now...maybe he wouldn't think I'm a burden anymore and I can go with him."_

 _"Tsunade-sama. Do you think Sasuke-kun gets into these kind of fights now that he's under Orochimaru's command?"_

 _"What if Sasuke-kun is wounded right now. Wounded like this? How would I heal Sasuke-kun?"_

 _"Naruto when are you coming back? Do you have any news for Sasuke-kun?"_

These memories are downright vexing "Some thoughts you have to keep to yourself!" She roared in the office. The pig snorted and Shizune jumped back, startled. When Tsunade seemed to have composed herself and regulated her breaths, she proceeded. "No offense Shizune but that kid was almost a prodigy. It didn't take much to teach her and she even came up with more efficient ways of healing and mending on her own. Almost all the chuunin she was assigned to heal were falling in love with her. She could even reattach severed arms." She buried herself in her arms again "However, her damn groaning about Sasuke-kun. Punctuating it with every sentence. If Naruto had dattebayo then this cotton candy pixie demon had Sasuke-kun urgghhhh! If that kid comes back to Konoha I better be in a coma! Or at the other edge of the world apart from Sakura!"

Shizune decided that it is best to steer her shishou away from the memories " _Maa. Maa_. Tsunade-sama you are getting sidetracked again. Why were you betting on Sakura-san and Neji-san again?" She regarded her with annoyance before flitting her gaze to the Hyuuga. "Don't you think that Neji is like Sasuke without the Itachi-induced brain damage?" She pursed her lips further and pouted "Yeah I know he had Hiashi-induced brain damage but Naruto managed to talk and punch some sense into him. He was like...vaccinated from the revenge pox or something."

"Shishou you talk in medical metaphors way too much." she attempted to pacify her. In truth, Shizune knows what her master was talking about. They're both prodigies hailed from a respective clan with powerful doujutsu whom they maximize to the best of their abilities. Both were forced to grow up without parents. Both had nurtured hatred within them and sealed their fate for themselves. One chose to dedicate himself as an avenger, while his white-eyed counterpart had chosen to dedicate his talent to forever spite the Main Family and the clan Head. They're both riddled with angst from a barely-understood past but can be logical and strategic when the situation requires it. Both are natural commanders who would often dictate roles, delegate tasks and explain their formulated plan for the team. The Hyuuga succumbed to defeat before his arrogance and darkness could truly engulf him while the Uchiha had consumed those and in turn had been consumed by those.

"Anyway, I just hope that Sakura sees the light. I don't want her to make herself suffer every day... to dwell on what should have happened." She swiveled her chair to face Shizune "You've seen the girl. For every jutsu she learns, procedures she performs, theories she memorizes, she attaches them all with her past regrets. I don't want her to do that anymore." _I don't want her to be like me, who is haunted by the past of my lover, on what we could've been had I known enough to save him._

Shizune really hated to interrupt the Hokage in the midst of her contemplation. "A-ano, Tsunade-sama. If I understand this correctly, you mean that you want Sakura and Neji to end up together?" The godaimed had nodded too fiercely. This made her stutter even more "U-uhm i-isn't Neji technically s-still royalty? Despite the Branch Family and all...wo-wouldn't he be arranged to someone else in the n-near future?" To that, the elder offered a smirk "Cche. Don't underestimate the power of love!"

The power of forced situations you mean, Shizune groaned. Tonton squeaked in affirmation.

"And I'm Hokage and the best medic-nin the Shinobi World can get their hands on!"

That came out as so perverse, she groaned again.

Th yellow-haired Senju cracked her knuckles and the side of her neck, definitely up to the challenge as she smirked "It's about time I educate them of the hazardous effects of inbreeding and selective breeding."

* * *

 **A/N:** Coming up next...Tsunade's little present to Sakura. Naruto and toddler Itachi's evening stroll! And everybody else getting ready for bed? Haha we'll see.

Wew that was long!

Thank you _MidnaMoo_ , _blackbringer_ and _Splaaash-attack_ for your reviews and encouragement to continue this particular fic!  
 _Soulhope The Wolf_ , I'm curious about your thoughts as to why it should be Kisame instead of Itachi. Shuriken your ideas my way, maybe? :)


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